It’s not in my head. It’s everywhere.
“What’s wrong” was a question I only was asked a few times when I was younger. This was a question from my mother and father. I was a headstrong teenager who never wanted to admit something was happening, or something was wrong.
Looking back I wish I had spoken up, and let them know how much I needed help. According to childline.org “Depression is a mental health issue. And it’s a bit like a physical illness, because people don’t choose to have depression.”
After doing research, I found that I had depression from a chart similar to helpguide.org, and realized that: I had trouble with many activities that seemed normal. I began to lose my interest in activities, I lost energy, stopped sleeping, lost my appetite, felt hopeless and self-loathing. What I did was the unhealthiest of all — I pretended everything was alright
When I turned 13 depression started, I lost my energy and drive. Activities I had loved in the past became work and a pain. I stopped enjoying sports and thought of them as a pain. I thought that the reason things became a bore was due to maturity and personal change. It was not, I threw myself into video games to experience new and different things, rather than putting myself out there and doing those things myself.
I stopped sleeping well, and struggled to sleep more than 4 hours of sleep a night. I would lay in bed for hours trying to fall asleep with the only thing getting me there was a long conversation where I talked the night away, and the other person was getting tired and yawning, otherwise I might be up all night.
I lost my appetite, I began to have trouble eating, where I would not feel hungry, or would gorge myself on foods. I would skip breakfast and lunch, eat a meager dinner for two days, then overeat to the point of sickness the next day. I ate whatever I could get my hands on, it didn’t matter if it was healthy, unhealthy, cooked or raw. I ate and gained weight faster and faster.
I didn’t believe there was a light at the end of any tunnel, it was all just a dark shade like a veil covering my eyes. I believed the only reason to live was to die, and that the only reason to love was to loose. I felt like the aspect of love was a crude and irresponsible thing, that the only reason to fake it was for reproduction of the species.
I began to hate myself, staring into the mirror telling myself I was worthless, that I didn’t deserve the oxygen I used daily. I saw nothing but a waste of resources in the mirror. I would hurt myself to feel better, I even got to the point where I considered ending my life daily.
I stopped feeling, I began to wear a mask in front of friends and family. Depression isn’t a joke, depression isn’t a choice, and you can’t decide that you won’t be depressed. Getting help can make some people feel small, but in fact it is a huge thing that must be taken care of. If you leave it on the back burner it will only increase. The reason? Depression and ‘feeling down’ or ‘feeling sad’ are different things entirely.
It’s not a choice, it’s a condition that you have to find ways to remedy, as there is no all-powerful cure. A number of things can help reduce the symptoms felt. Some of the ways are to: Talk to a therapist, take anti-depressants, exercise, maintain a healthy diet, and consider support groups.
Even now I struggle with depression and fighting everyday to be who I want to be. Before you begin to ask: I’m okay, I’m just working on getting better. It’s a struggle, but things always move on and I will too. Just remember, It’s not as simple as it seems.